I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
