I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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