I wanna bring you to show and tell
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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