Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
