I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
