I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
