Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
