I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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