Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
