Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
