I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
