I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
