This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
