Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
