I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
