I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We just shotgunned beers for America
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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