Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
