So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
should my penis look like a turkey
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
