They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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