This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
