dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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