I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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