You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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