someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
