i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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