STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
