Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
