We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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