Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
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