But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
