we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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