That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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