Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
