if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
