i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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