I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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