I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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