did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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