I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
