I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
