if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Randomize
