We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
