pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
