I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
