I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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