I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
