it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
