I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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