sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
