i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
