I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
